Exactly what it says on the tin ( Metaphorically speaking)

To put it bluntly & from my birds eye view & myself & how it effects me ( not every autistic folk are the same in meltdowns etc ) not linear.

Yesterday I had this grand plan ( part of my adhd) I have visionary ideas of how my day ( like today the vegan Market) was going to go ( I thought). Part of this making of adhd is, we get idea & run with it sometimes or its an idea and never happens or comes to nothing than another idea comes along ( patterns & repeated or not ). And being an over achiever in any aspect ( does not mean academically speaking) any given scenarios.

We expect too much of ourselves , we throw it out there. With our spontaneous & impulsive ways. And we push & push with a bit of masking. And if your like me also having both autism & adhd. Well they fight and one hates,what the other does. And it can be very hard.

And today I got so overwhelmed & pushed myself & had this make believe grand plan. That it failed & let me to meltdown & shutdown and feeling like a complete & utter failure. We have no social cues & are awkward beings & are face don’t match our emotions or body language, it leads to much mixed signals / miscommunication/ crossed wires etc. Its a lot of complex things and having both its an even bigger list of complex things as they ( autism & adhd work differently)

Its very exhausting , its mentally taxing, its hard its painful & sensory overload comes with too. Along with the social anxiety. For me the fear of interaction is scary & i know like many of us its very hard. Because of how we are being autistic. And in a Nt world. There is no instruction manual. No guidance & you left to figure it out of how the built NT world & its people work ( not every NT is bad ) i have pals who are NT & a few others being ND.

Today really took the biscuit, this is how I work, this is how it is for me , day in & day out. And your always going against the grain & odds and the social of it all. With added ableism built in , no adjustments and folk that don’t care or want to listen. Because I look fine I’m not ( my autism is not a look ).

Also being ptsd , its a double whammy with adhd. I always have suicide thoughts. And I think the worse or have scenario where its always doom & gloom. And just dreading the worse.

I don’t deal with stress at all even the slight bit of stress. Be that a dwp letter which sets me off instantly, me not having no support or help & left to fend for myself because non existent support or people of authority don’t deal or know how to work out our autism or its ableism. Even form filing i hate & can’t do. The dread of this UC migration. Because i am seeing stories of autistic folk having to see a sodding work coach or has not qualification or anything or know how on how to deal with us autistic folk, & even having to go though another work capability assessment again . And this lad like me has pip but they don’t go on that. And want to send him on bloody courses & that & getting back to work bollix coming from the esa support group and all the evidence is there. Its so bloody wrong. And he has to appeal it. I just hope many of us folk who are autistic have to put up with this shit show & more stress on top of more stress & shit we don’t need or want. Wrong on many levels, as is the UC. So yeah that also added to my worries.

Sometimes i love being autistic sometimes I hate it. As the way I am and how bloody socially awkward I am. And just trying to scream as loud as I can to be heard & have access to shiz. Or the constant denied of things to make me manage better. Or being disabled & treated so bad by the dwp & they don’t care about your diagnosis of being autistic & adhd.

Its hard very hard & painful & exhausting & taxing. My head is always noisy & no off switch. There is no in-between or 50/50. Or the bad with the good. Vice verser. We who we are just learn and accept us. Or just walk away and quit being ableist.

I would love an NT to have my brain for 1 day. But not possible . Its the reason i write this blog. Its just a birds eye view of me & my experience. Its words & me & thats the best you’re going to get.

Sorry I’ve vented & let off my meltdown steam a bit.

I’m going to leave this here now.