Hello 👋 my fellow people

I want to talk about something I’ve not really touched base on. (well you know my doctors are shockingly shit). As I always mention it.

Its not one said doctor its the whole surgery ( apart from one nice doctor ) who referred me to the autism place in kettering for said diagnosis in 2017. But she is part time and hard to book. Anyway back to it. I’m not here to the tar every doctors / practice or surgery because there all different and some actually give a shit.

But since my diagnosis in 2017 and 2021 of both ASD/adhd. The lockdowns / covid 19 / masking wearing. ( as you know I am medically exempt from masking wearing & have a official exemption letter from my wonderful OT.

So remember when I had trouble with getting my adhd medication with my doctors. It was me ringing up ( I hate phoning I up ) as I’m always met with a snobby bad mood receptionist or I get hung up on when it gets 1st in the que ( not once but twice). And my OT & psychrist at the time said I can up my meds anytime I feel there not working ( ie effective anymore) and I could write in that wee medication request notes things. And that since that started has been a ball ache. But not so much now, maybe but they still create stress for me. Over the simplist thing. So anyway months back I was going for my health check ( 6 months passed ) and when you on these meds the need to monitor your heart etc. So I walk in there lanyard open( all ma badges ) yes I know its not a mask exemption. Reason I carry ma letter. But I do have a badge that says medically exempt too. My lanyard is just saying hi I have a hidden disabilities here I am. So yeah I walk in. She like wear is your mask. I show her my lanyard & letter. Oh did not see it under your coat( its winter I’m not going to walk with my coat open just to say hey its on me. I do it when I get in the warm surgery. Also my OT put on my record mask exemption to. So off I go and get ma health check everything fine I can stay on my meds.

I book an appointment for a huge lump i found near my ribs the same day. As nurse said I should get it checked. So I book appointment some weeks later. I come back into the surgery weeks later. And again she ask where is my mask. I said you saw me weeks ago and asked the same thing. I get people make mistakes see a lot of folk but it was me. How can they see loads anyway in the current cv19. But I said to her you asked me two weeks ago the same thing. I show lanyard / letter/ QR code from LFT ( I don’t have to but ) its saying I’m safe and negative from rona and I won’t infect anyone( I do lft every 2 days or if I’m going to supermarket / London or somewhere on the train. Yes I live a hermit life. No I’m not vaccinated and that’s my body my choice. ( not here to argue ok ).

But anyway getting into the doctors, I tell him I got a lump / mass near ma ribs and its been there for about 8 months. And I’ve not seen a doctor in two years for anything Because how they treat me. So he checks and says he refer me to a CT scan ( still waiting for it).

Than he gets on about my anti depressants that have been on my prescription since 2017 ( I’ve never taken them) i know some autistic folk do. But when he said am I depressed I’m like no I am autistic and adhd and ptsd. Depression no. Maybe RSD. So that pissed me off. Than he said about the jab. And I told him i did not want it down to personal choice and it being my body. And he was using his doctor lingo and trying to make me have it. I’m like no thanks and said to him bluntly if rona does get me. Than leave me to die and I don’t want help from the NHS. I happy admit that. Let me die in my flat with my two cats listening to music. Should rona ever visit me. And he did not like that either.

Than he says to me if you knew you had this lump/ mass for so long why did you not come in. I said politely that the way I’m treated as an autistic person even before my actual diagnosis. It makes me not want to come here and been seen. Because I get palmed off or your receptionist being ableist and a long list of things. I know I’m not a doctor or medically trained and I know fuck all. But when he examine my lump and than I said weights training ( he said maybe its a muscle strain. ( I know my own body). Its been giving me agony. I get pains around my ribs / stomach and if I sit or lay in an awkward position it hurts even more. I don’t know if tis related to my Scoliosis. As having a curve and a slightly rib twist near my lungs I find it hard to breath sometimes and have chest pains ( he put it down to anxiety ) right o .. oh it was my old massage therapist that found my Scoliosis back in 2014/15. And the doctor said 50% curved and its fine. But they supposed to check on it every 6 months because sometimes the curve can move. ( and nope they haven’t since that timeline.

I’m going off track again ( sorry) but back to ma lump/ mass. Its really causing me grief. Sometimes when I sneeze it hurts. Its lots of things. I’m happy he put me forward for a CT scan but saying its muscle strain its not. ( I don’t lift heavy everyday of my 3x a week workout) I do light weight high reps. I always stretch and do yoga and do a warm up. I think its more than a muscle strain, I read somewhere that a women had same pains as me when for a CT scan and found a tumor. ( I’m not worrying about it now or what it is). There is no point. But after that heated conversation with the doctor it led me into a meltdown and shaking and crying in an alley way. And I told my OT about it..and told her I was never going back there again. And that I rather deal with whatever ailments I have. Its put me right off going to the doctors again. And even the surgery it self. The whole ableism the not caring attitude that was the last straw for me. Happened on the 29th November. Should anything come of this CT scan. And it does turn out to be a tumor or cancer. I’m not having chemotherapy or anything. I don’t want it I see my da go though it twice. And hated how it made him look. As much as it was doing good. My da weight plummeted from the the muscled tall man he was. And twice it did him over. His not and cancer since but as his got older his got many old age related problems.

Like everything else it my choice my body. And being a Buddhist I don’t want it. I rather let my natural body immune system fight it. But that’s who I am. I’ve decided no doctors apart from my adhd meds. Since that meltdown and the long length of bad treatment of ableism from the doctors I don’t want to go though it again.

I say I don’t mind the dirty looks I get from the public or the comments under there breath about me being mask exempt or just being autistic. But it really pisses me off when you just want go to the supermarket or have a coffee or just browse a shop. It puts ( me ) off going out. And I just be the hermit I am and want to hide from the world. As I can’t be dealing with dick heads. And I’m not a violent person, and I really don’t want to hit someone or lower myself to there level because they don’t understand or not educated or just ableist. Give me the shetland Islands any day or just somewhere in the countryside. More animals than humans.

I do experience meltdowns some days. But also its when people trigger it. And it can be the smallest thing. I try not to meltdown in public. So if I get a hint it will happen I find a an alley or somewhere quiet and do my thing. The last meltdown before that was in tesco and that was sometime ago. And ended up crying in the corner of the crisp Isle. With ma basket near me. I glad no one was about. I just don’t want to make myself vulnerable in public.

I try and listen to opera music or classical and listen to the instruments in that piece of music. It helps me channel out my meltdown. And I really focus on the singer and her voice. Having the listening ear i do.. really helps me feel the music and lyrics more. And I can feel it with my body to. It takes me out my meltdown. Sometimes it takes 10 mins other times longer.

I want to share a photo of me from when I was having a meltdown in that alley way on the 29th November. I don’t share things like this in public. But I just want to make people understand us ND folk. And how we work. So I’m baring all and want you to step in my mind and my brain.

Peace and love me 🖤