I sat thinking the other day ( like I always do ). And it came to me how much I moulded myself to be NT. ( its scary)

I look back on all the wonderful qualifications I possess. ( not a bad thing) and when I also worked ( many bloody different jobs )

That for me to get my qualifications i went full on NT and masked and just moulded to the social norm. It probably why I went off the radar and undiagnosed because I made myself fit to society and just blended in like it was nothing. But deep down I knew , I was different because going to work and putting on the face going to group work parties. At the end of it I be drained and not want to see anyone I got do depressed amongst other things ( I never knew I was having sensory overload and burnout).

Going to college twice took its toll on me too. Being a ex photographer having my own business. I became a different person ( yikes ). Much as I loved doing the job I hated being smily happy ( nothing is wrong kinda thing)

Than doing my welding course in 2016. I struggled with the social aspects of college life. I did it in the evening but even than I would hide in the library. So quiet and putting my head in a book. My tutor was a prick at first. ( me being women on a welding course) there was another women. But when I had the interview with him. He was like – you do know this course is not easy. Where the hell did I say ooo I can do its and its a piece of piss. Your a learning curriculum for feck sake.

Yeah anyway I got in. But first day he said you won’t pass this course ( thanks for the vote of confidence). So getting on this course and doing it I was struck down everytime. ( he did eventually warm to me ). But I never missed class ( ok I did sorta.. when they changed the tutor temp as he went on holiday. He was very different from first tutor. He never explained anything. He was too quick and it was all rushed. I ended up bursting into tears in front of everyone. And left. I never came in for two days ( I was allowed till old tutor came back). But I felt stupid at the time. But as I was saying I moulded myself into NT world. Made small talk, mimic people became them almost(mirroring).

And I’ve been doing that my whole damn life. Yes I have wonderful great qualifications but to get them. I had to become like everyone else. Because I was weird enough without making it anymore weirder. I rushed into work too quick with many different jobs . Doing college twice.

I’m not saying us ND folk can’t do college life or work life. But me I felt like I went about it the wrong way and being misdiagnosed. Than getting the two right diagnosis of asd /adhd. Am I saying maybe if I was diagnosed earlier would my work life college life been better ? ( most probably) I would not of drunk myself to death or did drugs or masked and fitted in so well. Not that I can turn back time and I don’t regret that I did these things with both work & college. I never handle it well and found myself in burnout or in drinking mode. Maybe I would have the support back than. That would of helped me manage things better.

I did work since the age of 16 , same pattern in and out of jobs. I just never found these jobs fulfilling or challenging or exciting I just got bored after 3 months. I did cleaning/ waitresses work / bar work / photography/ catering assistant/ modelling / S.A (extra work). And while its great and you have take the bad that came with it pretending to be NT and drinking yourself to a hell hole 🕳.

I do have these qualifications and exceptional qualities about me and I have life experiences but I would say that to get them i had to mask to the point my identity went bye bye ( nearly). Maybe one day I go back to work part time. But I’m not ready dealing with 2 conditions of asd / adhd. And no support. ( that’s changing now ). I can get my quality of life better. Ie the daycentre 1 a month / maybe go to art therapy once in a blue moon. This support extra money will help me do this. But its trial and error with it all. Being on my own for so long since 2017. And going to a group environment at the daycentre its going to shock me a bit. As I only like see 3/4 people I know.

But rome wasn’t built in a day and all this extra support will have to ease me in. I’m not placing all my cards on the table at once.

Anyway I’m going off track again. But I thought I let you know what’s going on in this wee noggin of mine

Peace and love me 🖤