Hey 👋, you lot. I am back again for more talking.

As you know I had ptsd from a very young age ( 8 years old) and you know why . It does not need to be mentioned more than once. My page is not about that. That’s the past. But was healing and there is no time limit on it but my particular healing from then upto 2014 was when I overcome that trauma ( not over it no).

When I overcome that. I met my ex ex ex . In 2014 who re triggered my ptsd. And I’m not going into detail because I’ve done that already . I’m going to point things out. And how it re triggered me. Like I say my traumas and my past ( yes even though my blog is about me ) I think somethings should be kept offline and private.

But these are points and me giving examples. Thats is all. So getting back to the story. I met my ex prior 2014. I met her on some dating site . And I admit it was great the first week month. She told me she had drunk a lot and took drugs. Fine whatever floats yer boat. (FYI I did drugs and drunk heavy when I lived in Yorkshire ) who am I to judge) but when I met her I only drunk a lot.

For arguments sake let’s say 3 months into that relationship the coercive control started. It was minimum to start with.

Like who are you talking to. To where am I going. Than as it went on 8 months down the line. And I wanted to see a pal ( no longer a pal anymore) she gave me the ultimatum between her and this said friend. ( and it made me feel awful ). I did try and reach out to this said person again but I can understand her reasonings and to why she wants no contact or friendship with me ever again. I even explained the abuse of to why. But how I treated this said friend .due to my ex ex telling me to choose I was scared at the time and went about it the wrong way.

Moving on the first time she hit me was in a heated argument. Which I can’t remember what as I’ve healed and erased it. But that in itself turned me in being scared of my own shadow. Can I just say I was 6st and bit and really skinny and the stress and the abuse led me to be really thin. It effected me more than I was letting on.

So about 1 year and a bit into it. The drugs thing. She would hang around with the drug dealers and do many kinds of drugs and if I did not do them with her in front of her mates I would get ripped to shreds and taken the piss out of . Being an undiagnosed aspie at the time. I tried to fit in anywhere. And this time in life I was at. I took many many drugs of all kinds and I hated It. But did it. Like also she would drink in the daytime and she make me do it. She would say I am boring. If I did not.

Oh Manchester gay pride with ma brother. We ended up arguing down the way there. Oh and when we got there. And my bro had this friend blonde and pretty. I spoke to her and my ex asked why you speaking to her . Well my bro introduced me be rude to ignore her. There were times when it got very awkward. Like I say no in depth shit here.

The second time she hit me was after pride and back at hers. Her mum would even verbally abuse me everyday or whenever I was around there. Than with her friends. It was constant abuse.

I was with her 2 years. And one night a pal of mine decided to take me on a night out. And I glad she did because somebody needed to knock that sense into me and the relationship I was in Was bad for me in all manners and aspects. So her talking to me the way she did opened my eyes ..the alcohol helped too. Not going to lie did 2 lines of coke that night. And one morning I woke up and sent that bitch of ex a essay and told her I don’t want to be with her anymore.

I went off the rails a bit after. Think it was due to the freedom I had . I went about that the wrong way too. I slept with people. I drunk to the point of no return I never delt with it how I should of. I did not know how to. Come 2017 I started slowly working on me. I got into extra work. 2018 I joined the gym. I found a Buddhist monk in Thailand who taught me online. And than I started this wonderful blog in 2019. not saying my healing has been plain sailing and its taken me from 2016 to now to get here. Getting a asd diagnosis in 2017 the battles I’ve faced with no help and support.

I have seen myself heal though this, finally being at peace with myself was a breakthrough for me. Giving up the alcohol. Saying no to people ..not letting toxic people get to me. Or any negatives. I have let go of the people that do not serve me. I keep the people I want at arms length. The small circle is all I need. Coming out asexual in 2019. Its all been a journey for me. There was never any time limit there is not one. I am all for me now and me being no1 and looking after me. Self care/ self love / self worth /self development. I have dips like anyone else the good days the bad days.

Please don’t read that all up there and give me a pity party or sympathy I don’t want it or need it. I appreciate you just reading my blog. My blog is not about me going indepth with my past. I don’t want to promote that kind of thing on here. As much as ptsd is part of me and being autistic. I don’t think it should be the highlight of subject. Yea I mentioned it in the first in depth ptsd post because , as I wanted you to know why I was diagnosed with it at a young age but I never went into cold hard In depth shit. Not for the interweb or blogs.

As much as I want this to be a happy blog its not all rainbows and bunny’s I admit. But it is about me and my daily life.

I won’t play the victim and it won’t be me me me . That’s my past its happened it done ✔. I hate the word survivor sorry but I do. I am not surviving due to my past . I am living and getting though it the best way I can. Everyone deals with it differently . So my apologies if I offended anyone.

Anyway my followers /readers/subscribers and many other wonderful humans who read this.

Have a nice weekend 😊