Seeing as this is my blog based on me and my daily life experiences. Well I also have ptsd. As I go Into this. I repeat I do not want a pity party or sympathy I am strong minded these days. Yes I have the odd shit show days plus on top of others.

I was diagnosed with ptsd at the age of 10 . Long story short I was abused ( sexually ) by a family friend ( baby sitter ) apparently I was 6 when it first started & stopped around 8 . I kind have erased it.

Also my mother left 1 week after the abuse happened. Well left i say she abandoned me and my brothers. Moving on.. i went off the deep end. Because that happening and mum sodding off well. My da did try his best not his fault ( I mean like stopping me going off the rails ) I stopped going to school and left in year 8. I did drink and drugs and other shizzle. My da moved back to Ireland when I was 16 and I went to Yorkshire made a life for myself. But that’s another story.

16 years old i met my ex ex gf ( with her on / off 5 years) from Wellingborough. I met her at a house party. The rest was history. But she was an alcoholic. I lived with her for a about 1 year but it was not what I wanted.. she would verbally abuse me . Like I say thats in the past blah blah.

So when I moved here northampton 2011 . Around 2014 I met my ex ex gf . I thought she was wonderful at first. Don’t get me wrong she said she drinks cool so did I ( at the time) . And yes after that and a 2nd date we got together. I think mid way though 4 months. She started to become controlling, drinking more than what she let on . Than I find out she’s a druggie. Yes I dabbled in it but not as bad as her. ( clean from everything now me I mean )

But the verbal abuse turned in physical abuse. The first time she hit me..I was scared because at the time I was 6st and half skinny. She was stronger. Than her alcoholic mother would give me abuse too verbal.

It even got bad some nights that I would call people to pick me up..and me being dumb and under her control. I went straight back to her. Her drinking got more . Her controlled ways got even more..I was not allowed friends and if I did I and to delete them. I was told what to wear..everything . Truth be told before I met her my ptsd was at a healing stage.. than meeting her made it worse. I don’t know why I never left her I don’t know and why it took me 2 years to actually leave . Yes I dumped her via text and wrote a long essay of how much of a cunt she was ..excuse ma French.

I was even picking her drugs up for her at the time I had a motorbike. I would pick up drugs for her from dealers.

I glad I got the fuck out of it to be honest. Yes I had other relationships but the women I attracted seem to have more baggage and Ryanair . Yes I have issues and I am bit fucked up I admit that. But the women I attracted were users / bunny boilers .

Yes I had brife stint in 2017 and slept about maybe it was my way of coping and dealing.. but I sort of got my shit together now.

Reason why I took a vowel of celibacy on 2018. I been a Buddhist 12 years now and doing that made me go further into it. I’ve stayed away from women in all sense and relationships since 2018 . Plus coming out Asexual has opened my eyes. Because I never did it enjoy it and it was like paint waiting to dry.

Honestly I don’t think I could ever be in a relationship again . On how far its taken me to get here . Ie be sober happy healthy healing my ptsd again.

Not taring everyone with the same brush but for my own peace of mind I can’t go though that again I think it will tip me over the edge.

I am an open book and I have chose to speak about this on my terms being it my blog.. but don’t give me pity party or sympathy . I know you mean well but its in the past. Hense why people are getting at me for not wearing a mask now you know. I hate the R word)

Anyway I’ve spoken